mental health – Life with Charli

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder, but not a Monster

Picture taken from Unsplash

I was born with a genetic disorder, and this disorder can lead to learning difficulties. Growing up, my parents worked very hard to make sure I was in a classroom with general education children. They noticed most of the children in special education classrooms in the schools I was attending had behavioral problems, and were very disrespectful to the teachers. My parents were afraid I wouldn’t learn in that kind of environment, and that I would probably even get bullied. It wasn’t until I got older when I realized that the behavior of the other students with disabilities was unacceptable, even if they were special needs students. The same goes for people with mental illness.

I suffered from mental illness for a long time. Since childhood, but it wasn’t until 2019 when I finally decided to see a specialist for my depression. I was diagnosed with depression immediately. A few months later, I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personalty Disorder. I’d never heard of borderline personality disorder until I was diagnosed, so I didn’t waste any time googling it. It didn’t take long for me to find out how stigmatized the condition is.

But what is borderline personality disorder or BPD? According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) “is a condition characterized by difficulties regulating emotion. This means that people who experience BPD feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event”. Symptoms of BPD, according to NAMI, include “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by friends and family; unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization (“I’m so in love!”) and devaluation (“I hate her”)…sometimes known as ‘splitting’; impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, reckless driving, or misuse or overuse of substances; self-harming behavior including suicidal threats or attempts; periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days; and inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt”.

The symptoms show that forming and maintaining relationships is one of the biggest struggles for people with BPD. This includes relationships in the work place and with the medical team. This has made BPD gain the reputation in the medical field as a very difficult condition to deal with, and even mental health professionals sometimes refuse to work with people who have the condition. All over the Internet, one can find books, blog posts, and videos about surviving an experience with people who have BPD. Whenever someone commits a crime, people would often assume the person has a mental illness. In the films “Fatal Attraction” and “Acrimony”, a in the movies are so bitter and their behaviors so destructive that their stories end tragically. The characters in both movies were considered to have Borderline Personality disorder. People with BPD can not seem to live normal lives according to these movies. The well known court case between American actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, with Heard being diagnosed with BPD, did not help with the stigma on the condition.

It was because of the stigma on mental illness that it took me so long to see a specialist for my own mental illness. In fact, I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had a mental illness in the first place. After all, people with mental illnesses are violent, and I am not a violent person. At least that was my belief. I don’t know for sure whether Amber Heard has BPD or not, but I do know that she was accused by her husband of domestic abuse. Having a mental illness does not make a person violent or abusive, and if a person has a mental illness, it should not be used as an excuse. Evil people are just that, evil people.

Even though I was a student with special needs, I worked very hard to get good grades. I didn’t use my special needs status as an excuse to to do poorly in my classes. I also did not use my status as an excuse to mistreat my teachers. In the same way I, and many other people with mental illnesses, live normal lives and are not using the fact that we are mentally ill to be violent people.

Guest Post – Don’t be Ashamed of your Mental Health Journey

Hello everyone! Last time, I posted a guest post by fellow blogger Rae from Second Chances. I met Rae on Facebook and I loved her inspirational content! I just had to get in touch! She talks about mental illness on her blog like I do, and I was so happy when she agreed to let me share her powerful story on my blog! What an honor! And now she’s sharing my story with mental illness on her blog! To read my story click over to Rae’s blog here. Be sure to also checkout other posts on her blog. There you will find powerful stories on dealing with addiction and domestic violence. Rae shares these stories to encourage those dealing with these issues to seek help.

Guest Post – PTSD: Fighting back against the trauma

Picture taken from Unsplah

TRIGGER WARNING: This Post Contains content that might be hard for some to read. Please take caution and take care of yourselves.

This is a Guest post by fellow blogger Rae over at Rea’s Second Chances . I recently met her through Facebook, and was really moved and inspired by her posts. Rae’s focus on her blog and social media is encouraging people to get help with mental illness. I talk a lot about mental health on my blog, so I thought Rae and I should share our stories with mental illness on each other’s blogs. Read her powerful piece below:

I’ve been dealing with ptsd ever since I was about 7 or 8 years old. Right around the time my mom tried to kill herself I believe it started. But it wasn’t until I was older and she fell and broke her leg that I realized I was utterly afraid of losing her. I worried about it constantly, mostly out of nowhere. I’d be scared I’d come from school and she would be dead. It was very unhealthy and yet I kept it to myself for years. I will never forget the pounding sounds my heart made, how sweaty my hands would feel and the urge to vomit as we opened the door after school. It wasn’t just then,it was when she was at work or honestly anytime we were separated. Now looking back it consumed me a lot more than it should have.

What is PTSD? 

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a traumatic , scary, or dangerous situation. The body and even the brain can change when exposed to any kind of trauma, such as combat, accidents, domestic violence,sexually assault, and even global pandemics. Often we experience something so terrifying or stressful that our brains can’t make sense of what has happened to us. Due to us not being able to move through the second stage of processing, our brain return us to the exact same emotional and physical state as when the traumatic event occurred, especially when we are triggered.

My fears of losing my momma eventually came true in 2008 and that day forever lives in my head. For years I denied that I was still living through that day. I Denied that I could possibly have ptsd and be harming myself more by denying it was happening. I would cry and literally feel like I was drowning in grief over her. I’d cry so hard I’d hyperventilate which then caused a panic attack. The anger,denial and reliving the days leading up were complete torture. The thought of being labeled with a mental illness was frightening. So I did what most people do and I kept it to myself.

There is such a stigma on mental health issues that people don’t feel comfortable coming forward. But you have to be able to notice the symptoms and notice when it’s time to seek help. Symptoms might include feeling numb, experiencing nightmares or flashbacks, and being particularly sensitive to loud noises to name a few. Sudden outburst of Anger,sadness and hopeless are also symptoms. Living in sadness and trauma is never the answer to healing. There are options and you have to find what works best for you. Everyone isn’t the same so rather it’s talking to someone, journaling or taking medication just make sure your doing what will help heal your soul.

About Rae: Rea is a mental health blogger whose focus is on sharing her experiences with addiction and domestic violence. She uses her platform to inspire those with addiction and other mental illnesses on their journey to wellness.. Click here to visit her blog.

Call 988, The National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the United States, if you ever have thoughts of harming yourself or if you know someone who does. Please check for the number of the Crisis Prevention hotline in your country if you don’t live in the United States

Why is Healthcare so Expensive: Part Two

Picture taken from Pixabay

I recently watched a video by a popular YouTuber named Lauren who runs the channel Living well with Schizophrenia. On her channel, she talks about her experience living with Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder. In on particular video, Lauren talks about the cost of health care. She lives in Canada where the government is heavily involved in helping with healthcare, so she doesn’t pay a heavy amount for her medical care. However, she shared what she would be paying without help. I liked the idea, and thought I’d also give a little idea of how much my healthcare would cost me without help. You can see this video below:

As I’ve mentioned many times on my blog, I have medical condition called Turner Syndrome. I take several medications for the condition. I did a little digging, and without help, I could be spending a total of $83.00 a month for my medication.

Turner syndrome causes a lot of complications. The condition is when a woman is born with only one fully functioning X chromosome instead of the usual two. Due to this fact, the woman’s body can not create estrogen on its own. Estrogen helps to strengthen a woman’s bones. This is why some older women with low estrogen suffer from osteoporosis. Osteoporosis is a common problem in Turner syndrome patients. Other complications include heart, kidney, and thyroid problems, among others. Because of all of the complications, many procedures are regularly done in order to ensure the Turner Syndrome patient remains in good health. These priced urges can include an MRI, sonogram, blood tests, and a bone density scan, among others. All together, my procedures can cost around $1,500 every time they’re done.

I have also been pretty open on my blog about my struggles with mental illness. It is no secret that mental health services can be expensive. In my case, therapy sessions without help would cost me around $2,800 each week. That’s around 14,000 a month for therapy sessions! The medication I take for my mental illness can cost around $233.00 a month.

As you can see, healthcare is pretty expensive. I didn’t even include all of my doctor visits, including the my primary care provider and specialist visits. I also did not include transportation cost. I would definitely not be able to afford the medical care I get with the good insurance I have.

Dear Charli: A Letter to my Younger Self

You’ll have a lot of insecurities

When you reach this age

But trust me when I say

There’s nothing you’ll want to change.

You might feel small

But even pebbles are significant

You Might not feel beautiful

But girl

you are magnificent

You might feel unlovable

But you are worthy in every way

You might make mistakes

But who is perfect anyway?

You might feel there’s nothing you’ve achieved

But let me tell you

That’s just what you believe

You’ve achieved a lot if you’d only look

If you wrote what you’ve done

You could write a book

And that’s just the beginning

There’s still a lot to accomplish

So when you reach this stage

Don’t be discouraged

Dealing with a Keloid

I have mentioned many times on my blog that I have a condition called Turner syndrome. In a recent post, I mentioned my condition eventually led to surgery. Turner syndrome can lead to a lot of complications. One of them is problems with the thyroid gland. That was an issue for me.

I recently had surgery because of issues with my thyroid gland. The surgery ended up leaving a small keloid. The suggestion was given on how to deal with a keloid was through a steroid injection. Cutting out the keloid would only cause a keloid to grow back. So I’ve been getting injections to lower the keloid for a while now.

The doctor has to put the needle right in the keloid, and yes, they hurt a lot. The first time is especially painful, because the keloid is tough. As you continue to get injections, the keloid softens and the injections become less painful. Even with the help I’m getting though, even the doctor admits there is only so much that can be done. I will still have a scar. That’s ok though, because my scar tells my story. So I’m not ashamed of it.

Learning to Love Yourself with Wednesday

Bianca: “You’re lucky”

Wednesday: “Do tell.”

Bianca: “You don’t care what people think of you.”

Photo taken from Netflix

I mentioned in a previous post that I don’t have much luck with guys. I actually don’t have much luck with people in general. At least that’s what I can’t get myself to stop thinking all the time.

“That person thinks I’m weird”, I would often tell a family member.

“Why do you think that?”, they would often ask, reminding me that what I’m think is not fact.

“People tend to be selfish and are mostly thinking about themselves”, my therapist would always remind me.

No matter how hard I try to keep what I’m told in mind, it’s often hard for me not to think about what’s others are thinking about me. While watching “Wednesday”, what stuck out to to me was how different I am from the titular character. She genuinely doesn’t care about what people think about her. I care a bit too much about what people think about me. Some professionals who analyzed the show think Wednesday might have autism. This might be why she has so much trouble showing her emotions. I, on the other hand, have borderline personality disorder and often have trouble keeping my emotions in check.

What really caught my attention about Wednesday, however, is that she knows she’s different and accepts that. Her viral dance sequence shows this most. She’s confident and not afraid to be herself. What I love most is that though there are some scenes when she sometimes feels insecure and afraid of being alone and eventually allows friends to have a little influence on her, none of this changes who she is at her core. Wednesday will allows be Wednesday, and through the rough patches, her friends start to accept this. They don’t try to change her. Instead, the relationship that Wednesday has with her friends is reciprocal, especially with her best friend Enid. Wednesday starts the series feeling she is better off alone, and Enid starts the series feeling insecure. The series ends with Wednesday fully accepting Enid’s friendship and Enid gaining confidence.

Watching Wednesday really put into perspective for me how hard it can be to feel different from others, but how easy it can feel to be ok with that when you are comfortable with yourself and have people around you who accept you for who you are. I am definitely still a work in progress, but I am learning to love myself, and when people tell me they love me the way I am, I am learning to believe them.

Borderline Personality Disorder: It’s ok to be a little different

Borderline personality disorder is one of the most stigmatized mental illnesses. People with the condition are considered manipulative. Getting any diagnosis can be freeing, but when someone receives a diagnosis with a stigma, that diagnosis can feel like more of a harmful label.

The video above, however, shows that sometimes there are benefits to being a little bit different, and that’s what it means to have BPD. People with BPD are not manipulative, but simply people who experience emotions differently than others. And there is nothing wrong with being a little different.

Happy Valentine’s Day to Me!

Picture taken from Pixabay

I never really had much luck with guys and dating. I’ve even had the word “ugly” thrown at me several times. If you’re told something enough times, you start to believe it.

I started believing I must be too ugly and unattractive for any guy to date me, or even want to. I continued thinking that even after becoming an adult and guys started showing interest in me. Too stuck in my low self-esteem, it’s sometimes actually hard for my to even notice when a guy is showing interest in me. My siblings always make fun of me for being a little air-headed sometimes.

Due to my struggles with my self esteem, however, I haven’t really been interested in starting a relationship anyway recently. I’m happily single and working on self-love. I truly believe there is some truth to the saying that no one can love you better than you love yourself. People are going treat you the way you treat yourself, so treat yourself well.

I’m slowly unlearning what I’ve been told many times. I am beautiful, and dear reader, so are you. So this upcoming Valentine’s Day, especially to my single brothers and sisters out there, celebrate your love for yourself. Happy Valentine’s Day, and I’ll see you in the next post!

Why is healthcare so expensive?

This post was inspired by Scott over at Speaking Bipolar. His blog really gives a lot insight into what it’s like to live with Bipolar disorder. You can checkout his blog and the post that inspired my blog post by clicking here.

Scott’s post was about his struggle with getting proper care for for his mental illness. It made me really think about my own experience with getting medical care. I live in the United States where health insurance can be very expensive, and some people can’t afford to go to a doctor. With healthcare being so expensive, getting help for mental illnesses can be difficult. Mental health is not really considered a priority, so even with assistance with health insurance, there is no guarantee a person seeking help with a mental illness will be able to get the help they need.

As someone who is not only dealing with mental illness but a genetic disorder as well, I happen to be very fortunate. I was born with a condition called Turner Syndrome, and it can lead to a lot of complications. In fact, one of those complications led to surgery early last year. I also get blood tests done very frequently, along with other procedures, in order for my doctors to make sure I’m not developing any complications because of my genetic disorder. Moreover, I have been taking several medications since I was 13 years old. Now I am also on medication for my mental illnesses s well, and I go to therapy several times a week. All of my medications, tests, procedures, and therapy sessions cost a lot of money. Fortunately, I am fully covered by my insurance. I honestly don’t know where I would be today without the help I’m getting to pay for all of my medical expenses.

There honestly needs to be a better way for people to receive medical that would be fair for the healthcare providers and the patients that would allow every person to receive the care they need. What is healthcare like where you live, and what has your experience with medical care been like? Feel free to share in the comments, and I’ll see you in the next post!