Posts by Charli – Page 6 – Life with Charli

Because Every day is Mother’s Day

When I was a small girl, I was told about a young woman whose house burst into flames. While trying to escape, the woman’s only concern was her infant daughter. The baby girl came out of the ordeal just fine. The woman was not as fortunate. She suffered severe burns from the fire that left terrible scars. As the baby girl grew older, she started to become ashamed of her mother. She always avoided carrying friends over to her house. Her mother eventually died one day, and it wasn’t until then when the girl realized how much she took her mother for granted. It wasn’t until then when she was reminded that her mother only had terrible scars because of her desire to protect her daughter.

My parents told me that story, and it was was only one of many discussions I had with my parents that reminded me not to take anything precious in my life for granted. Another incident was when I was talking with my father while we were listening to the radio. A commercial for 1-800-flowers played suddenly, and after the commercial finished my father asked “Do you know when they make the most money outside of valentine’s day?”

“No.” I answered.

“Mother’s day.” he said.

He went onto tell me that he would have to do his research to know if he was actually correct, but he was sure that mother’s day was one of the times in the year that brought in a lot of money for companies like 1-800-flowers. The reason he mentioned for this was he believes a lot of adults wait until Mother’s Day to show affection to their mothers. We are sometimes too busy to give any attention to our parents, so Mother’s Day is one of those special days to do so. However, even on Mother’s Day some of us wouldn’t set time aside to spend with our mothers. We would simply order some flowers from a company like 1-800-flowers, and have them sent to our mothers.

This new week marks the end of April, and Mother’s Day is right around the corner. Every day is Mother’s Day in my book. Here’s a little reminder to reach out and show some appreciation to the mothers in our lives. If you are a mother reading this, whether you’re a biological mother, an adoptive mother, a step mother, or a foster mother, happy Mother’s Day from Life with Charli!

Judgments and Assumptions

I made a new friend recently. I was invited to a function by a relative. I’m a bit of an introvert, but since I really wanted to support my relative I made an effort to show up. I’m usually shy around unfamiliar people, so I was nervous about going to the function. However, as soon as I started talking with one of my relative’s friends, she made the butterflies fly away almost instantly. She was so friendly that I felt very comfortable talking with her.

Part of the reason I get nervous when meeting new people is that sometimes I feel they will automatically think the worst of me. I’m afraid that I might leave a bad first impression. My social anxiety can sometimes be so bad that I like to avoid group meetings if I can help it. I also tend to spend hours picking an outfit for a simple, casual meeting. To top it all off, my brain would often go into overdrive trying to figure out what was going on in the mind of someone I just met. I find myself thinking that he or she probably found me weird or awkward, and might not be interested in getting to know me. Maybe I did something the person found odd or offensive. My family members often try to reassure me that most likely not one of those thoughts are in the heads of most people I meet.

In my last post, I talked about judging others before getting to know them. We often make a lot of assumptions about others based on their outward characteristics. For instance, if one sees a woman covered in diamonds, he or she would assume the woman is rich. I’ve come to realize that these are not the only types of assumptions we make, however. We also make assumptions about how others might perceive us. In my case, I sometimes assume everyone will quickly judge me before getting to know me. By doing so I sometimes don’t give others a chance at building a relationship with me, because I put up a wall. I feel the need to guard myself.

Talking with my relative’s friend helped me to step out of my comfort zone a little more. Even a couple of minutes after the function had already ended, we continued to enjoy each other’s company. We even discussed arranging a meeting sometime in the near future. That day, I was reminded that while there are those who might judge me without fully knowing me, not everyone is that way. I was reminded that not every person is the same, and that’s why I should give people I meet a chance, especially if that’s the same treatment I expect from them.

Disability: Seeing the Unseen

“We hire Shaun and we give hope to…people with limitations that those limitations are not what they think they are, that they do have a shot!”
Dr. Aaron Glassman The Good Doctor Episode 1 Season 1

I’m a little late to joining the bandwagon as the show is already in its second season, but I started watching a show called The Good Doctor. For those who don’t know, the show is about a man named Shaun Murphy who is a surgeon. He also happens to be a man with autism. I’ve been really enjoying the show so far, and was inspired to tell me story about my own experiences as a person with a disability.

There is one word to covers the two reactions people with disabilities generally receive: doubt. There is either doubt in the person’s capabilities, or there is doubt that the person has a disability at all. In the show The Good Doctor, Shaun Murphy fits into the first category. His memory, visual spatial skills, and analytical skills are far above average. He is an asset to the hospital he is working in. However, many of his coworkers can’t see past his very apparent disability. I, on the other hand, fit into the latter category. My disability is invisible, and I often find myself having to prove that I actually am a person with a disability.

From the time I was a small girl, it was apparent to everyone in my inner circle that I was a little different from my peers. Spend enough time me, and one would definitely be able to see my deficits, but only if that person is paying close attention.

“You don’t seem like a person with a disability to me”, a friend once told me.

Little did she know that it’s that same sentiment that often makes it difficult for me to get the help I need. The specific kind of disability I have is learning disability. There are different kinds of learning disabilities, and most of them are language based. That means people with those types of learning disabilities have trouble with spoken or written communication. The most well known language based learning disability is dyslexia. Communication is not a problem for me though. In fact, I’ve been told that I express myself very well, especially through writing.

For me, the problem lies in processing. Many activities that might take other people minutes to complete can take hours for me, however, this would not be easy to notice through mere minutes of conversation with me.

“I wish I had your brain.”, a classmate from college once told me. She did not understand that it was not a superior intellect that made me successful during my time in college. It was my work ethic and perseverance that made me successful. Like any other person, I work extremely hard for what I want, and in some cases I have to put in even more effort than the average person.

For Shaun Murphy from The Good Doctor, his disability is front and center for those who meet him, and masks his capabilities. They don’t take the time to understand him and realize that his disability is only one part of who he is. That is a reality for many people with disability. In my case, people don’t take the time to understand that some disabilities are invisible, and you never know what someone might be going through. My take away from the show The Good Doctor and my experiences is that we might all have our different stories to tell, but there is one thing that connects us: the desire to be understood.

Single and Embracing it

“All I wanted was to teach a child to read.”

“The only children you should concern yourself with are…your own.”

“I’m…not ready to have children”

“Maybe you haven’t met the right man…oh Belle, do you know what happens to spinsters in this village after their father’s die? They beg for scraps like poor Agathe!”

Belle and Gaston, Beauty and the Beast (2017)

I won’t be telling my age, but I will tell you I’m no spring chicken! As I’ve been getting older, I have been reminded numerous times that I need to hurry up and get married already! There is definitely a stigma on older, single women. As women get older our value seems to decrease. We are less desirable, and constantly reminded that the clock is ticking. When the news of singer Cassie’s breakup with rapper and entrepreneur Diddy spread last year, many fans expressed frustration at the fact that Cassie was leaving an almost 10 year long relationship without a ring or any children. In other words, she didn’t get anything out of the long relationship, and she wasted so many years of her life. Last year was also when actress Gabriel Union shared her story on her struggle with a condition called endometriosis, saying that many people assumed she didn’t have children yet because she put off starting a family in favor of her career. She waited too long. Turns out this was very far from the truth. Children and marriage are beautiful things. However, they are not the end all be all of a woman’s life. To all my single ladies, there is nothing wrong with dreaming of starting family one day, but as you wait for your Prince Charming, here are some tips to help you enjoy the single life (to any single men who might be reading this, welcome! Maybe this blog post might benefit you too!):

Build Self Love

If you’re looking to get married, dating is a very important part of the process. It would be a mistake to rush into a relationship for wrong reasons. Your relationship status does not define your worth. If you just got out of a relationship, don’t feel you need to rush into the next one to feel worth and to feel loved. For those women who are older, don’t feel you like your value is decreasing because your age. Take the time while your are single to build confidence and self-love. Before declaring love for someone else, start with yourself.

Take Time for Discovery

Have you ever tried playing an instrument? Drawing? Painting? Knitting? Now is the time to try any one of these activities, or all of them if you want! There are many others activities to try as well! Don’t travel much? Now is the time to go wherever you want! Marriage and children are blessings, but your life changes drastically after becoming a spouse, and even more so after becoming a parent. If you are single right now, don’t spend your time feeling depressed over not having a spouse and children. Don’t feel jealous of all of those around you getting married and starting a family. Use this time to explore any hidden talents, or expand on talents you already know you have. I’m actually taking my own advice with my blog!

Romance can happen at any age. If you’re an older woman, don’t think it’s too late for you because you’re no longer in your prime, and don’t let your age push you into a quick relationship. Whether you are a man, woman, old, young, you have value. Take the time while you’re single to realize that!

Imperfectly Perfect: Life with Turner Syndrome

“Do you wear bras?”, a high school classmate asked me one day.

“No…”, I replied with anticipation, waiting for her to get to the point.

“You need to”, my classmate said, pointing at my “headlights”.

That was during my last year in high school. Since I had just started showing signs of puberty that year, I did not see the need for a bra. Needless to say, however, after what my classmate told me, I never went out without a bra again. I was what one might call a “late bloomer”, or so I thought. During the summer before my first year in high school, I was diagnosed with Turner syndrome. Turner syndrome is a genetic disorder that affects girls. The condition is characterized by the partial or complete absence of one X chromosome. Many girls find out they have the condition around the same age I did, because one important marker of Turner syndrome is the absence of puberty. Girls with Turner syndrome generally can not go through puberty without hormone replacement treatment (which I started during my last year in high school). I always knew that I was different from my female peers. I finally found out why.

When I hit my preteens I could not wait to transform into a beautiful swan. I watched all my female peers grow into beautiful young women, feeling more and more left behind with each passing year as I continued to show no signs of blooming. I couldn’t help thinking that I will always be an ugly duckling. I will never look like my female classmates, or the beautiful models I see on television or in magazines. My mother always tried to help me build a positive self image, but I just couldn’t let go of the feelings in my heart.

Not only did I feel unattractive, I also felt incomplete. Women with Turner syndrome are usually infertile, and I was told by doctors that I was likely no exception to that rule. This revelation made me believe that I was not a “real” woman. I did not look like a “real” woman, and my body did not function like one either. It took some time for me to realize that there is so much more to a woman than her appearance. A woman is not defined by her breasts or hips, nor is an ample amount of them the mark of a beautiful woman. Beauty and women come in different forms. A woman who undergoes a mastectomy is not any less of a woman because of her lack of breasts. A woman who is infertile is not less of a woman because of her inability to bear children. I am not less of a woman because of some characteristics I lack due to Turner syndrome. Every woman is unique, but the one thing we have in common is that we all have our own special brand of beauty.

In a world where many people feel the need to get cosmetic surgery to “fix” what they see as imperfections, it is hard to be confidant and not feel the need to join the bandwagon. It takes strength to follow one’s own path instead of following the crowd, and over the years I have been slowly trying to build the strength to come into my own. I am learning to look past my “imperfections” so that whenever I look in the mirror I see a work of art

This is Life: Your Purpose Your Gift

Some time ago, I watched an interesting episode of a show called This is Life with my father. The host of the show is American Journalist Lisa Ling. The name of the episode was “America’s Busiest Coroners”. This is life focuses on shedding light on the unconventional lives of ordinary people in America. The Episode “America’s Busiest Coroners” focused on the people who deal with America’s dead. For this episode, Ling interviewed and shadowed the workers in the Los Angelos Coroner’s Office.

During one part of the episode one of the workers took Ling to into the room where the bodies are kept. All of the bodies were stacked on top of each other like sardines. The worker told Ling that everyone who dies in Los Angelos ends up there. It doesn’t matter how wealthy or poor the person was. Everyone ends up in the same place after death.

Another portion of the episode went over what happens to a dead body when it cannot be identified and no one claims it. When a dead body is brought to the coroner’s office an autopsy is done to determine cause of death, and an attempt at discovering the identity of the deceased person is made. Loved ones are also contacted, and the body is claimed. If the workers can not reach any loved ones of the deceased person, and the body is not claimed, the body is cremated and buried through the coroner’s office.

One such body at the coroner’s office was found hanging from a tree. An apparent suicide. The person was an Asian American. This hit home with Lisa Ling, who is an Asian American herself. Ling couldn’t help but wonder if this person was alone in America. Possibly this person had no family in the U.S. with him, and he fell into what he thought was a hopeless situation.

The end of the episode showed how the unclaimed dead were honored in the Los Angelos community. Every year people in the community gathered at the grave site of the unclaimed dead to pay their respects. Anyone in the community is welcome. Lisa Ling attended one of those gatherings, and she was very touched. Some of those people may have died alone, and we don’t know their names, but they were still human beings with their own dreams and stories.

My father put into one word how we both felt after watching that episode of This is Life: “humbled”. It was a humbling experience. The episode reminded us of our mortality, and that everyone dies someday. Some sooner than their time. Death is not the most comfortable topic for most people, and no one wants to die alone. The episode “America’s Busiest Coroners” of This is Life made me think deeply on this topic. I don’t know what the future holds for me, however, I do know that I am a single woman. Also, I have my parents won’t be around forever. I have siblings, and though I know I can depend on them whenever I need them, they have their own lives to live. Will I be alone when I die? I don’t know. Will my body be treated with respect after I die? I hope it will, but I don’t know. Again, my future is uncertain, and how am I to know what happens to my body after I die?

“It doesn’t matter what what happens after you die.”, was my father’s response. “What matter’s is what you do during your life while you’re alive”.

I completely agree. “The dead praise not the Lord, neither any that go down into silence”. Psalms 115:17. I don’t know what the future holds, however, I know that I can choose in the present to do the best I can with what time God gives me on this earth. To those reading this, know that you are kings and queens. You have a purpose. Use your gifts to do what you can, while you can.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

I’ve always loved writing, and I’ve always been pretty good at it! At least that’s what I’ve been told! I’ve been thinking of starting a blog for a while, and I’ve finally gotten a little time to do so! Sometimes we are too busy to slow down and do things we enjoy. Sometimes we let our talents go to waste because we are too busy to develop them. Life is too short to not enjoy it! So here I am writing my first blog post! What are your hidden talents? Do you take the time to appreciate your gifts and share them? Let me know in the comments, and stay tuned for upcoming blogs! Thanks for the support!