March 2023 – Life with Charli

Learning to Love Yourself with Wednesday

Bianca: “You’re lucky”

Wednesday: “Do tell.”

Bianca: “You don’t care what people think of you.”

Photo taken from Netflix

I mentioned in a previous post that I don’t have much luck with guys. I actually don’t have much luck with people in general. At least that’s what I can’t get myself to stop thinking all the time.

“That person thinks I’m weird”, I would often tell a family member.

“Why do you think that?”, they would often ask, reminding me that what I’m think is not fact.

“People tend to be selfish and are mostly thinking about themselves”, my therapist would always remind me.

No matter how hard I try to keep what I’m told in mind, it’s often hard for me not to think about what’s others are thinking about me. While watching “Wednesday”, what stuck out to to me was how different I am from the titular character. She genuinely doesn’t care about what people think about her. I care a bit too much about what people think about me. Some professionals who analyzed the show think Wednesday might have autism. This might be why she has so much trouble showing her emotions. I, on the other hand, have borderline personality disorder and often have trouble keeping my emotions in check.

What really caught my attention about Wednesday, however, is that she knows she’s different and accepts that. Her viral dance sequence shows this most. She’s confident and not afraid to be herself. What I love most is that though there are some scenes when she sometimes feels insecure and afraid of being alone and eventually allows friends to have a little influence on her, none of this changes who she is at her core. Wednesday will allows be Wednesday, and through the rough patches, her friends start to accept this. They don’t try to change her. Instead, the relationship that Wednesday has with her friends is reciprocal, especially with her best friend Enid. Wednesday starts the series feeling she is better off alone, and Enid starts the series feeling insecure. The series ends with Wednesday fully accepting Enid’s friendship and Enid gaining confidence.

Watching Wednesday really put into perspective for me how hard it can be to feel different from others, but how easy it can feel to be ok with that when you are comfortable with yourself and have people around you who accept you for who you are. I am definitely still a work in progress, but I am learning to love myself, and when people tell me they love me the way I am, I am learning to believe them.

My Hair Journey: How I Fell in Love with my Hair

Growing up, I had a love-hate relationship with my hair. I am a woman of African descent, and people with African roots generally have what we call “kinky” or “coily” hair. I used to love when my mother would style my hair in beautiful braids, and the compliments I would get about them. However, I hated how hard it was for me to style my hair myself. My hair was unruly and difficult to deal with, or at least that’s what I thought.

I had my hair relaxed for the first time when I was still a small child. It was for a wedding. I was still very young, but I was old enough to remember that when I looked in the mirror, I thought I never looked more beautiful. I felt more beautiful too. I also felt like my hair was much more manageable. I didn’t get another relaxer put into my hair again until my late teens, but I continued to straighten my hair with flat irons. In other words, through heat. My hair started to become very damaged from all the heat and chemicals, and I eventually decided to do a “big chop”, or cut off the damaged, relaxed parts of my hair. In the end, I was left with a bit of a buzz cut. As my hair started to grow back, I took the time to learn how to properly take care of my hair and style it.

Many Black women around the world are forgoing the flat iron and relaxers, opting to wear our hair in its natural state instead. A natural hair movement is taking place, and many influencers and companies that sell hair care products have been benefitting from it. Many natural hairstyling videos have been popping up on YouTube to teach black women who choose to go natural how to care for their hair, as well as how to style it. Companies that have been creating haircare products geared towards black women are gaining attention. In fact, in the recent years, there has been a decline in hair relaxer sales. In light of this, some haircare companies that have been previously focused on selling hair straightening products are jumping on the natural hair movement bandwagon.

The movement is not meant to discourage black women from getting relaxers, but rather to encourage each other to feel beautiful and confident regardless of how we choose to wear our hair. I believe there is a lesson every woman can take away from the natural hair movement: you are beautiful just the way you are. It doesn’t matter what our hair texture or skin color might be. We are all queens. After all, diversity is beautiful. Gone are the days when I thought of my hair as unattractive. When I cut my hair, I wasn’t sure I would want to stay natural. Then I looked in the mirror, and thought I never looked more beautiful.

Is Turner Syndrome an Intersex Condition?

I have mentioned many times on my blog that I have Turner syndrome. Google “Intersex”, and you will see many websites list Turner syndrome as an intersex condition. However, there is a lot of debate on which conditions under the umbrella of Intersex are actually Intersex conditions. Intersex conditions have been a hot topic for a while now, so as someone with what is considered an intersex condition by some, I thought I’d add my two cents.

First thing first, what is “intersex”? The American Psychological Association describes intersex as “a variety of conditions that lead to atypical development of physical sex characteristics…These conditions can involve abnormalities of the external genitals, internal reproductive organs, sex chromosomes, or sex-related hormones”. The term “intersex” was coined in 1917 by German geneticist Richard Goldschmidt when he noticed the phenomenon in gypsy moths while studying them. “Intersex” started being used commonly as a term for humans with certain genetic conditions in 1993 due to a research article written by American biologist Anne Fausto-Sterling.

In her article, Fausto-Sterling states that approximately 1.7 percent babies born worldwide are intersex. American psychologist Leonard Sax responded that the number of people with intersex conditions is actually far lower than 1 percent, and shouldn’t include conditions like Turner syndrome where the person’s phenotype is clearly male or female (meaning the person looks like a typical male or female with the typical male or female genitalia). This is the reason for the intersex debate.

In 2006, the term “Disorders of sex development” was introduced in the medical world. Medical professionals believed the term was easier to define and explain than “Intersex”. However, there is a lot of controversy over this term. Many intersex advocates believe the “Disorders of sex development” does more harm. For instance, many intersex babies undergo surgeries, often unnecessary ones that can cause permanent damage, in order to make the bodies of these babies fit what society deems a typical male or female body. Changing “Intersex” to “Disorders of sex development” medicalizes the bodies of intersex people even more. However, using “Disorders of sex development” gives room for the inclusion of conditions like Turner syndrome, because pretty much all disorders that affect sex development are under that umbrella.

So is Turner syndrome an Intersex condition? That is still up for debate. In my humble opinion though, no, it is not. People with Turner syndrome are all women born with a genetic disorder. There is generally no ambiguity on whether someone with Turner syndrome is male or female, and sex ambiguity is included in being intersex. Turner syndrome does, however, cause sex development issues, like not being able to go through puberty without medical help, making it a clear disorder of sex development.

Hopefully this post has helped someone, and I’ll see you in the next one!

Borderline Personality Disorder: It’s ok to be a little different

Borderline personality disorder is one of the most stigmatized mental illnesses. People with the condition are considered manipulative. Getting any diagnosis can be freeing, but when someone receives a diagnosis with a stigma, that diagnosis can feel like more of a harmful label.

The video above, however, shows that sometimes there are benefits to being a little bit different, and that’s what it means to have BPD. People with BPD are not manipulative, but simply people who experience emotions differently than others. And there is nothing wrong with being a little different.

March 8 is International Women’s Day

To all my sisters out there, you are beautiful.

If you have a condition that forced you to get your breasts removed, you are still beautiful.

If you have a condition that forced you to get your uterus and ovaries removed, you are still beautiful.

If you have scars, you are still beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Happy International Women’s Day

Disability Day of Mourning

I just found out that today is Disability Day of Mourning. It is a day to remember people with disability who were killed by their caregivers. Unfortunately, children don’t get to choose the parents they are born to. I am very fortunate that I was born to parents who love me and for fought me and my rights all throughout my childhood, and still fight for me.

My unique struggles are invisible, so fighting for me to get the support I need hasn’t been easy on my parents, but they have been by my side anyway. They have never once made feel like a burden. To all my beautiful friends with disability out there, you are beautiful. You are not a burden. To all my friends out there who are the loving caregivers of someone with a disability, you are beautiful and appreciated.